I'm so blessed to have a husband who can look at me after I put the baby down, when I have milk on my shirt, my hair is in a floppy ponytail with strands pulled out (a Lauren hair creation), I'm wearing almost no makeup and rocking his old sweatpants, and tell me in all honesty, "You're so beautiful."

Matt and I have been married for four years now. We got engaged quickly but had a year to plan the wedding. Our biggest fight ever was about having kids (I didn't want any and he wanted me to stay home with our future minions). After that most of our fights were over how many episodes of Say Yes to the Dress I would make him watch or how he doesn't need to leave every cupboard in the kitchen open (that is how dishes escape).

When Lauren was first born and I was diagnosed with post-partum depression, Matt was so supportive and helpful. He would snuggle Lauren, do the dishes and make sure that I was getting better. On Lauren's first stint in the hospital, Matt lost it and I was scared of losing him, but really the whole situation brought us closer together. I can remember thinking, "I don't understand how couples who go through this could break up." However, I do now. Not because we are breaking up but because the emotional, physical and spiritual exhaustion that you go through really takes its toll.

Every time that Lauren is in the hospital we seem to have a scare. The last one wasn't so bad but it is a sad state of affairs when your baby getting a pacemaker put in is something you consider "not so bad." During the time in the hospital, you are in a constant state of being "on". I am in a room with her for 24 hours a day. There are no break times, there are no times when I can't be at her beck and call. She doesn't know where she is half the time and she needs to see me to know that she is okay. Meanwhile, Matt is juggling work commitments, driving to and from the hospital daily, cleaning the house top to bottom so that it is sparkling when we come home and dealing with the stress of being away from his girls and getting news about Lauren by text message.

When we are finally back at home it takes about a month to settle back in and feel like a semblance of normalcy is being restored. So it hasn't been a month yet. We are freaking exhausted. And when you're exhausted and you have a baby who needs you and is afraid every time she wakes up, working on your marriage gets put on the back burner. Having a sick baby makes your life all about your sick baby.

But bring on the babysitting (Mom and Dad)! As Lauren stabilizes, Matt and I are going to make a point to work on being a couple again. A couple who just happen to have the cutest little girl in the world.

1 comment:

  1. Amanda, your post is such a beautiful testament to your love! Hang in there; I know that you two will be able to enrich your twosome-ness, growing closer through the love that you are giving to Lauren. Family is everything - you are celebrating the foundation of your family! Love to you and Matt and Lauren. (And the grandparents who I'm sure are enjoying being there for you!)


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