24.1.13

CHOOSE A CUP HALF FULL


This is where we were yesterday morning. It wasn't for an extended stay, but we were there for way too long to have a test done for Lauren. It is always hard to have her in for tests that require fasting but then we had to wait for two hours. I try not to complain about stuff like that but it not like you can explain to a baby why she has to stay in a room and not eat or drink - especially when her most used nickname is Mrs. Wiggs (short for Mrs. Wiggles). Finally the doctor came and they had to thread a tube up through her nose and down into her esophagus. They are trying to determine if her reflux is really bad or could be contributing to her gagging and vomiting episodes. It was so hard to watch her go through yet another test and one that is super uncomfortable. She fell asleep on the way home but you can tell that, even in her sleep, she was not happy!


Over the next 24 hours we were instructed to keep a diary of EVERYTHING and try to keep the tube in her nose. Easy enough, but she also had a huge recorder pack that we had to truck around attached to the end of the tube. She is so into crawling all over the house and exploring that we finally just taped the pack to her and told her to go nuts.

7.99 hours longer than we expected the tube to remain in her nose, she won the battle and yanked it out. Oh well. The probe was in for two naps, breastfeeding times, regular eating time, crawling, standing, and gagging. There's not much more that she does that they could measure. So we will see if there are any wild and wonderful results from this. I was secretly happy that she pulled it out because then she could take her evening bath and that is a highlight for her every day.

This was possibly not the best time to try to wean myself a little further off of my depression medication. Watching Lauren be back in a hospital gown, having another (albeit, minor) procedure, after a totally sleep deprived night and started to get punched in the face with a cold, I felt so overwhelmed. We are starting to think about when we would like to have a second baby, but I need to get off of my depression medication first (ironically enough, my medication can cause cardiac malformation in a fetus. No thank you).

Yesterday while Lauren was crying yet again in the middle of a nap I thought, "Why do I want to do this again? And what if I can't be off my medication and still be a functioning mom?" I looked at myself slumped into the nursery chair, open mouth breathing because my nose was plugged, and feeling so down... and then I looked at Lauren. She was sleeping so sweetly with her mouth hanging open (in a much more adorable way that I currently was) and her body was totally relaxed into mine. I guess it is all about the perspective that I choose to take. As long as I can be a good mom for her, I will continue to try to get off this medication. But with having been rocked like we were this past year, I will have to take it slow and only go one step at a time.

Anyways, I'm convinced that the law of averages will mean that our next baby will come out sleeping through the night, eating solid food, and pooping daisies. It would only be fair.


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