FINDING A GLIMPSE OUTSIDE OF DEPRESSION

I know, I know, by 14 months I shouldn't still be holding Lauren until she falls asleep. Before she switched to one nap a day, the last thing I wanted to do was hold her as she fell asleep. It would take at least 30 minutes every time and, with putting her down for two naps and then finally to bed at night, that was an hour and a half of sitting there, sneaking peaks to see if she was sleeping without having her notice. And it started to take longer and longer. (Let me also say that, yes, I could put her down to cry it out but then I would be the one crying it out because she would puke and now I would have three things to do - laundry, bathe the baby and then put her down all over again - rather than just wait it out.) However, now with one nap, she falls asleep within minutes!

In the last few days, she has fallen asleep nice and quickly but I've stayed holding her for just a bit longer. Tonight, as I sat there with her, I reflected on our day. Lauren and I spent so much time together today laughing and playing. We went outside and she explored the garden, wiped dirt all over her face and carried around the biggest rocks that she could find in the dirt. In those moments, in the quiet of her room, while enjoying the weight of her resting against my chest, I realized that I delight in Lauren. I have always loved Lauren, more than I ever thought I would possibly be able to love, but delight has been elusive. The depression that engulfed me during Lauren's hospital fight let me feel love for Lauren and some happiness, but it was always fleeting and didn't stick. Delight, on the other hand, is a joy that I feel in every inch of my body and it sticks. I feel content when I'm living in a place of delight.

I marveled today at how long I sat watching Lauren putter around at the edge of the dirt, picking up rocks and babbling at the top of her lungs. Not for a minute was I bored or looking for the next thing that I could do. I was simply living in the moment and the emotion.

This feeling of delight has filled me up a few times over the last week. It makes me so hopeful that I'm starting to move out of my depression and into a healthier, happier place. I know that I still have a long way to go, but this is such an encouraging and promising first step.

So tonight, I delighted in holding Lauren. It amazes me that, even though she's growing, she is always the perfect size for my lap (oh gosh, I hope that doesn't mean my lap is growing as well). God didn't make a mistake when he gave her to me. Lauren is the perfect fit for me. My daughter is meant to be mine and I'm so glad that I can take delight in the little lady that she is turning in to.