13.9.14

SOMETIMES IT IS JUST TOO MUCH

Last week I snapped. I had kept it together for two months and tried to do everything that I used to do before Elyse had come along but I reached a breaking point and couldn't do it anymore. I needed to eat healthier, but when was I going to find the time to make the food? I needed to exercise, but between constantly trying to put one kid down for a nap or feeding another one there was no time. I needed to sleep, but I've got a baby who needs to eat. And I needed some me time. I felt like I was drowning.

I know these feelings because I remember having them after Lauren was born. I didn't recognize them early enough with her and it got bad enough for me to end up on medication for depression. This time around I want to do whatever I can to avoid that. The medication helps for sure but it makes me really drowsy and I would prefer not to have that fuzzy feeling in my head if I can avoid it.

Lauren is two and a half. A magical age. An age of exploration and learning and constantly pushing the boundaries. After some convincing, Matt managed to talk me into sending her to daycare during the week for two weeks so that I could regain my sanity and only have one child to attend to. It was so hard to agree to this because it made me feel like a failure. I want to (and love to) spend time with Lauren but if I'm healthy I can be a better mom to her. And it isn't like daycare is a bad place for her. She gets to go to the park, go for walks, play with the other kids, jump on the trampoline, dig in the sandbox and the woman who watches her really loves her.



The time that Lauren has spent at daycare has also given me time to bond more with Elyse. What a special little girl she is. She is full of smiles and coos. She loves being naked and squirming around. She makes me feel like I'm wonderful when she looks up at me and her faces sparkles with happiness. She loves going for walks and being outside.



In general, I have a hard time asking for help but I'm so glad that I did. Finding time for myself will allow me to make the time with my girls and with Matt so much better.


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