Today we went for our 20 week ultrasound. It was a big deal and I've been waiting for it for so long (well, approximately 8 weeks). With Lauren we had so many ultrasounds because she was measuring so small and needed to be monitored. I felt like I knew her so early on. With Baby Number 2, I feel him or her kicking and wiggling and I have that connection with Number 2 but no recent pictures.... Until now!

With Lauren having had such a rare birth defect and following the story of a friend from high school who has found out that the baby that she is pregnant with has Full Trisomy 18, I started to get scared. There were things that could be wrong with the baby that I didn't even know about, things I didn't even know were possible. And then it hit me, I have fallen back into my lifelong habit of worrying about things and, when I do that, I am attempting to control the uncontrollable. Worrying won't change anything but it is like a well worn sweatshirt that I throw on much too easily (or should I say well worn sweatpants because that is what I usually throw on).

When Lauren was at her sickest, with her unmoving heart, we gave our worries over to God, but these stupid, inconsequential daily worries I cling to like a life raft, like something that I own. It seems so ridiculous to me that I can hand over my child's life to His hands, but not my day. I realized that day to day, I trick myself into thinking that I can control the things that I worry about because they aren't as obviously out of my control. But, really, they are. 

The friend who is miraculously in her 38th week of pregnancy with her child with Trisomy 18 has also started a blog about her journey and she is showing so much of that grace and surrender that I want to live in again. I would encourage you to read her story, Finding Joy in the Desert, starting with the first post, The Journey, but I warn you that you will need Kleenex and strength. Her strength is obvious and I would ask that those of you who have prayed for Lauren and continue to pray for her complete healing, will add Samuel and his family to your prayer list. Prayer brought us miracles that we thought were impossible (for us, but not for God) and we are praying for the same extreme miracles from God for Samuel. 

Today we saw our little one. While we don't find out until Wednesday if Number 2 is a boy or a girl, we saw that our active little one has all the limbs that he or she should have and a nice strong heartbeat. Tomorrow I go for another ultrasound to really look at the baby's heart and I'm so excited to get to come face to face with Number 2 again. And while not all of our questions are answered, and never will be because we don't know what the future holds for us, I will try to work to hand over all of my worries and fears to God and just live in the present, seeing the joy that is right there in front of me. Because there is so much joy there.

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