24.10.14

IT'S SO EASY TO SLIP INTO BEING FAKE


When I started writing this blog, I was very open about being on medication for depression. I was on a high dose but it was easy to understand given what we had gone through. Those memories, while still too vivid, are now a part of our past. Lauren, at two and a half, does not stop. She doesn't stop talking and she doesn't stop moving. Even when she's sitting on the couch watching her latest favourite show, Paw Patrol (which I hate by the way, but that's another issue for another post), her feet and legs are often up in the air cycling her little body back and forth as she tries to put her feet on our faces (why does she insist on doing that?! She has been obsessed with trying to put her feet on our faces since she could control her feet enough to get them there!). When we go to a store, I need to make sure that it won't be busy because it seems physically impossible for her to use her walking feet. "I running!" is a statement that I hear regularly. If we have to stop somewhere, she dances. Those feet just don't stop.



Elyse remains the easiest baby on the face of the planet. When she is tired, she starts to flap her arms. If I get her to bed at that point, we are well on our way to having a full day without any crying. Elyse smiles easily, laughs at faces, loves to blow bubbles and raspberries and her favourite past time is being naked. She delights in an audience, is happiest being held where she can sit and look at everything and does belly laughs looking at herself in the mirror. Since she was two and a half months old, she has slept through the night. While she doesn't nap much during the day, she spends her awake time happy and content.



This time, we have no massive issues, but I still ended up at my doctor's office and being handed Zoloft again. It was not what I wanted, however it was what I needed. I had stopped sleeping for more than a few hours at once, struggled immensely to fall asleep, was mentally obsessed with different ideas for hours at a time and felt a little bit angry. I had caught myself in a few conversations about what I was feeling saying, "I just can't shake it." And that's when I knew that I needed to get to the doctor. This time, I'm not dealing with depression but anxiety and OCD had officially taken over.

And I was a jerk because I didn't want anyone to know that I was on medication.

I was embarrassed. I felt like it was a failure on my part. I had been given the easiest baby and I still couldn't do it without meds.

And then I wanted to punch myself in the face.

This blog is about being realistic. I read enough mommy blogs that make life look perfect all of the time. It's not. Life is wonderful and challenging and tough. It is all of those things at once and that is what I like to write about.

So now I am medicated and I'm still a good mom. I don't feel like I'm doing a bad job. I'm busy. I work my butt off for those girls and Matt. Right now, my life is being a full time stay at home mom and that is hard for me. I love having an outlet outside of my house. I love working, being creative and having a place where I can feel like I excel. I also love my time at home with my little ladies. They are fantastic and delightful, but without my medication, it can be hard for me to see that all the time. With just a little bit of medication, I'm a better mom for them. It allows me to sleep, focus on the things I need to focus on and let go of the others and get back to enjoying my girls.

If I could get better without medication, I would. And I tried but it didn't work. My priority is my girls and I know that it is best for them for me to be as healthy as possible with the medication. One day I will be off of it again, but for now it is back in my daily routine.


4 comments:

  1. Lovely, honest post. Just thought I'd share that Anton has been on Zoloft since Baby #2 for anxiety and OCD, too, and there's no indication he'll be off it anytime soon. I can usually even tell, based on his inability to let things go, when he's missed a day or two of the magic little pills. Just thought I'd share because a little solidarity goes a long way! (Don't worry; he's okay with me telling this all over the internet.)

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    1. And you even continued to have more babies after number 2! Impressive. I'm hoping it won't have to be a long term thing but if it does, that is okay too. Whatever makes us better parents, right?

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  2. Thanks for your honesty Amanda. I too am on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety med to help me function. Sometimes our brains just don't make the right balance of chemicals. It's not some thing I talk about much so your honesty is a real challenge to me to be honest about my struggles also. God's healing blessings to you Amanda. Glad you're taking care of yourself.

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  3. I find that as hard as it is to be open and honest about this sort of stuff, it is also freeing for both myself and other people who are in a similar boat but try not to talk about it.

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